And there always has to be someone that tries to ruin it ... doing what i can not to let him! Fuck him! He got an I don't care text .... and if he keeps texting ... I'm gonna hurt him. He needs to leave me the fuck alone, but he's just being a bigger asshole than i could imagine I'd find.

Happy Birthday to me ....
Happy 21st birthday to me ....

Sept 29: Thoughts

Its weird to think, tomorrow I'll be 21. I'll be of age for everything that one gets carded for. It kinda makes me feel old. Strange ....

Its still a little lonely at times. I still have no study buddies. No one in my class seems willing to even consider adding a new friend to their group of people. I guess I'll be doing a lot to try to learn it all on my own. I'm not ready for that! I always need a little help. Its gonna be a rough quarter. And I hate sitting here, knowing I have no where to really go. I wish I did ....

Less than 6 hrs to go .... crazy ....

New Quarter Schedule:

Monday:
8-9am Basic Electrical Circuit Analysis
10-11am Kinematics and Dynamics of Machines

Tuesday:
9-11am Fluid Mechanics
11-12:15pm Manufacturing Processes 1

Wednesday:
8-9am Basic Electrical Circuit Analysis
10-11am Kinematics and Dynamics of Machines
3-5:20pm Deconstructing the Greatest Generation

Thursday:
9-11am Fluid Mechanics
11-12:15pm Manufacturing Processes 1

Friday:
8-9am Basic Electrical Circuit Analysis
9-11am Kinematics and Dynamics of Machines

6 Days

Sometimes I just hate my life. Sometimes I just hate being around. Sometimes I just want to leave for a while! Some days .... I wish I were invisible.

Nothing works the way I want. Nothing works the way I hope. Nothing saves me from myself. And nothing can give me hope.

I've lost faith in many things. I've lost faith in the world again. I'm tired and I'm sore. I'm alone and know they don't want me to go home. I need a small vacation. I need a chance to clear my mind. I just want to be happy again.

AEPi night

Last night ended a lot differently than I expected. Turns out I was wrong on the date of the concert. So after dinner, we went back to Wesley. Only Ken and Leland were there, so basically no one showed up for the Open Mic Night. We wondered down to Hillel. I was thinking, I'll check it out, stick around a bit, and then wonder back to Wesley and go to bed. Its a closely nit group. But the student body president invited us back to AEPi for an after party. I figured, why not check it out, classes haven't started yet. I'm still allowed to try to have a little fun, because when classes start "Buckle down"!

Played a two games of beer pong on a 3 game pong table shaped like the Star of David. That was funny. We lost but not badly the first time. And won quite well the second time. So all in all, I had like a beer and half. And that was all I had. I just kinda hung around and talked to people. Entertained a couple of really drunk girls, who were having guy troubles. I met a few nice looking guys. (By the way, one reminded me greatly in looks of Plate.)

Had a nice night, wondered back did laundry and went to bed.

Day 4 of Welcome Week 3 ... AKA First UC Frat Party!

Just got back a bit ago. Had a great night!

I had to pay to get into the game. But the game was amazing! We won 45 to 20! I will have to make it a point to get tickets a bit more often.

Texted Annie until I figured out where I was going. Found her, wondered around at the party meeting people. She gave me a bracelet. I had one beer and a 7 in 7 ... not too bad, just wasn't in the mood for it. Kelsey finally showed up around 11:30 or midnight maybe. She introduced me to someone she thought would be a good match. He wasn't too bad. Talked to him a bit. Seemed like a nice guy. He's a Beta Theata Pi. Not completely all around great looking but looks never matter when it comes to personallity. He was sweet. I had one more beer after the main party, and it hit me as I was walking away to head back to 'home'.

I had a great night. Even after the asshole ex tried to pick a fight. It was amazing! Faith in some people has been restored.

Time for bed!

So there really is one person I wish would just leave me alone! He has no right to judge people he doesn't know. I can't figure out why he won't just leave me alone. I don't see a reason.

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Now playing: my red high heels
via FoxyTunes

Days 2 & 3 of Welcome Week 3

Its still crazy being back.

The retreat went really really well. I had so much fun this year. I was all smiles and jokes and enjoyment. I had the most amazing group of freshman and I told them so! The fight song was amazing. We over powered them in shear volume when we did it! I told them of my experiences in college and that they were more than welcome to facebook me with questions or comments or generally what ever! I had 4 DAAP students and 3 Engineers. So it was fun! I so sold the BBBS program to them too! lol

Anyways, exhausted .... I got to watch the bonfire and plan my trip to Missouri (talked to Rich about roads to take). Route 66 was a deciding factor. So eventually I'll make it West of the Mississippi! Florida may come first ... I can't decide! I wouldn't mind seeing Ern again either.

Anyways, Splash Bash is tonight ... I'm thinking I may go.

Day 1 of Welcome Week 3

I moved back today. I brought myself back to a place I'd rather run away from for a while. I just need a vacation. I real vacation. Not a couple of days at home. but all the say, I'm back.

I had a meeting for the Honors Retreat today. Then afterward, we went down to meet up with some of the freshman and just hang out or play games. One guy hadn't been warned that no cafeterias are open until classes start, so I offered my company so he didn't have to walk up to Calhoun St alone. I know how much I was afraid of it my first year. He's not a bad guy, very overly nerdy. And a clear momma's boy (nothing wrong with that either). He checked in like 4 times while we were walking up there and back. But I understand, I called my mom a lot in the beginning.

He's not in my group, that's a good thing.

I'm now very sore though. I managed to step squarely in a pot hole and twist my ankle. But its not my ankle that hurts, its the hit connected to it, the shoulder of the hand that hit the ground hardest, the hand the hit a horrible little bump, and the knee that slammed into the asphalt as well. Damn I'm already starting to hurt. I can only imagine what I'll feel like tomorrow. The knee can barely lift my weight up a 6in. step. I won't be able to use it, and hope that I didn't rip a ligament or something.

What a day!

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Now playing: Sugarland - You just might make me Believe
via FoxyTunes

Wiggles Update

So, Pixie is now very protective of our little baby. I'm still a little worried she might try to hurt him. But she's been checking on him off and on all day. Its so cute.

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Now playing: Katy Perry - Lost
via FoxyTunes

Adventures

For those of you that care ... or have been waiting:
http://adventuresofawanderer.blogspot.com/

Finally got it up to data .... now has Big Bone Lick State Park and the Fireworks.

Update 1

So far this weekend, I've done shit all of nothing! I've taken care of my baby, that's about it. Went to a bar Friday night. That was kinda boring. Tim was upset I showed up, but Rich didn't care, I was gonna be a driver if he had too much. Tim shit out too early and we all wondered away. Oh, and I knew it was coming, but Tim lost his job on Friday. They sent him home half a day and fired him.

I have two days left at work. And 17 days until I'm 21.

Looks like another boring weekend. And a boring end to my co-op quarter. I'm still not ready to come back. But I don't want to be at home either. Weird, I feel like I'm going back to a place that no longer knows who I am. Its gonna be weird. I've been in a good mood, but yet, I slip some days.

Wiggles is doing well. He's almost doubled in size since I brought him home. He makes me smile. He's just like a real baby sometimes. Only doesn't cry as loud.

This week .....

Its been one of those weeks. Where I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to be at my second home either. I miss my friends, and don't want to be alone, but I'm not sure I want company either. I have a tiny little man ... who is crying right now. Yet, I know he won't sleep like he needs to if I pick him up.

I wish I could just take a trip, but I know I can't afford it yet. I want to remedy a few broken bonds, but they are bonds that needed to be broken in the first place. They were bonds that made me unhappy. I have begun to mend bonds that needed a little TLC. And I'm keeping the ones I love the most close!

My mind won't stop thinking, and I want it to. Its gonna be one of those weeks ...

Only 4 days left of work. And 20 days til my birthday! Crazy .... I don't want to grow up yet!

My little Wiggles

I've got a new little man in my life. He's about the size of my hand! He's got one of the best motors I've ever heard. And he purrs to me every night. He's my little guy. He's decided I must be his new mommy.

He's got the tiniest little features and the cutest little tail. His tail is only about an inch and half long. He's a gray tiger. Its really funny to watch him learn his new legs. He makes me smile, and gives me a purpose. Its gonna be sad if he doesn't make it or when I have to leave.

He's my tiny little world!

I'm confused ... I'm trying ... I'm working on my own self. And still holding out hope.

Life is so hard sometimes. But its always worth living. Learning from mistakes is a key to surviving! Right?

Regret ... one I will always regret.

I would love nothing more than to tell him how much his friendship really does mean to me. I would love nothing more than to tell him how sorry I am, and how I regret what I said. I knew I would regret it, but I was already away from home. Well on my way to getting a tattoo when I wished I could just call and say how sorry I was. Now I feel I need to give him a few days to calm down, I know I should have taken a few days.

I pray more than anything he will realize what I meant as a friend. That he will give me a chance to make things okay again. Isn't fighting on of the things friends do too? But surviving a fight is normally a huge part of making the friendship even stronger. Isn't it?

But as for now. I'm trying to accept what I did and the consequences it may bring. All the while hoping what I am trying to accept will not all come true.

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Now playing: Kristofer Astrom - Just A Little Insane
via FoxyTunes

I messed everything up not matter what.

I wish I could say sorry. But I've been banned from calling, messaging, or what not. I can only IM and pray he will forgive me. So maybe I really messed. I was having a bad day, made worse by the lose of my piggy. I should have asked. I shouldn't have over reacted again. But again, this will go unnoticed.

Thank you Jimmy for defending me. I wish I would have actually controlled myself .... and you will probably never see this. Because you have decided you probably won't talk to me. I just want to say sorry.

Right now might not be the best time to talk to me. I'm really pissed and now upset.

My guinea pig died today while i was at work. And I vented into a letter.

I don't want to make people mad. But nothing I say is understood as what I meant it as, as of late. I'm sorry for being a bitch. But I've been on an emotional roller coaster, I'm exhausted, and I'm trying to figure things out.

Fuck it all right now. But I don't really want to go back any more.

An unexpected lesson of trust was learned today. And a bit of trust was lost ....

I feel a knife .... sticking there in my back .... and the little knife in my pocket makes me wish .....

Its funny the betrayal one can learn so easily .... and the pain it can actually inflict.

Fuck it! This fucking month has taught me more than I ever really wanted to know. And I'm learning lessons in things I thought I already understood.

The Emotional Roller Coaster that is my Life

The weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. That's the only description I can put on it.

Thursday was spent in an absolutely amazing mood. Where I thought nothing could bring me down! I was all around happy and willing to deal with the men in my life. Until late that night. I was already tired when I had a few bad things of my personality pointed out. No ... no harm was meant by it, but it hurt all the same. So I just walked away. I said bye and walked away. I knew I was strong enough to accept it I just needed a little bit. But it began the down fall. (I also found out for sure that one of the guys already moved on and was really happy with his new girl.)

Friday, Cameron had to work his 8 hrs. So after picking up my car and then his. I made a few stops on my way back to his house. Walked around the mall a bit. Tried on some clothes. Then went after a few books. Walden's just didn't have. I ended up at Borders, who did have what I was after. I wondered in and out of a few new stores. And ran into a lady and the young man working in one. I stood in there talking for a good 45 minutes. I was in a good mood, and made it back to Cameron's just before he got home.

James' party was pretty neat. I met a few new people and got my stuff pucked on. It happens. It was after we left that everything I had managed to hold off for a couple of days hit me. I think I scared Cameron on the way back because I just started crying. Unable to stop for a while. I should be use to my unstable emotions by now.

I took an adventure on my own through the big hills on Saturday. Cameron went after Sara. They caught a movie and I avoided company all together until I was stabilized again. I had gotten really up set and not sure why. It was Jimmy and his brutal harshness that made me realize they were there for me, or he wouldn't be trying to talk to me at all. Thanks to him and time to think in the shower, I was doing much better. I went to visit him and then took him to work. Jimmy seemed glad to have me stop by and then Cam and Sara show up too for a bit. Too bad Sara mis-took me for Jimmy's wife, we had to point out Rachel was at work.

Ended up at the levee for a while. Then back for bed. I sat up and talked to James until I feel asleep reading a comic ...

(To be continued tomorrow ... too tired)