Sometimes I feel, I'm losing everything I love and never want to lose. Its almost like its water slipping threw my fingers or sand into an abyss. Once its gone, it will never come back. You can scoop at the ocean, but never get the exact same particles of water back. Its forever gone and ever changing.
As of late I can't seem to control anything. I can't seem to make anything work out. I try, believe me I try. But for some reason no one seems to be trying back. I don't think anyone notices or sees what I see when I look at the same things. Maybe its just me worrying about something I don't have to worry about, but I feel like I'm one of the least important things to be worried about.
To be rather honest, I feel I'm losing my friends. I don't know why I feel this way, but so many things have changed. I am lost in this place and feel there is no one I can go to and be completely honest and open with like I could last year. I mean, I know I have a few, but I always feel they'd rather not hear me talk or complain about my worries. Like they'd rather me not say anything at all about how messed up everything seems. I'm also terrified of the reaction I'll get. Honesty really is hard to take sometimes.
I'm so afraid of your comments. I'm afraid of your reactions. Almost enough to delete this whole thing ... almost enough.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Home again
Today went rather different than expected. We didn't do much but stop at a fireworks shop and get gas before heading north. I got some Snapdragons mainly because Cameron threw them at me from time to time, so I figured I might get him back a bit. And I like sparklers so I got those too. Nothing I can't get in Ohio. Except something else called "Man in the Moon". Its kinda like a sparkler type thing only a lot bigger and it sits there making different colored sparks. Nothing too dangerous.
I ended up leading us all the way back. So we made a few pit stops along the way, either because of JR or me and Christina. Even though those two got in a fight, I had Christina laughing trying to get her mind off of everything. She deserves to be happy, and she just isn't very often any more. Sometimes I worry about her. But then I look at her and realize she is probably happier than I am in the current relationship thing. Those that know me well, have been told what is meant by that.
I took them farther North than Hopple because I didn't want them getting a bit lost trying to find the North on ramp and I wanted to fill up my tank. Turns out I get about 30 miles to the gallon with the new parts and cleaner old parts. That's rather exciting considering I was getting less than 20 before the work was done.
I got back here only to get a really lonely feeling again. I find it weird that I just came off of a weekend where one whole day was spent alone and the other three fully accompanied. I am only hoping a bit of friend time will help.
And the whole hating the human species will probably stick around for a few weeks. Specially if things like what happened today on my way back to campus keep happening. Some jerk ass woman didn't look and tried to merge into my car doing 70 ... only to realize right as she almost hit me and I hit my brakes, that I was there. Damn people! Right now I hate them in general.
I ended up leading us all the way back. So we made a few pit stops along the way, either because of JR or me and Christina. Even though those two got in a fight, I had Christina laughing trying to get her mind off of everything. She deserves to be happy, and she just isn't very often any more. Sometimes I worry about her. But then I look at her and realize she is probably happier than I am in the current relationship thing. Those that know me well, have been told what is meant by that.
I took them farther North than Hopple because I didn't want them getting a bit lost trying to find the North on ramp and I wanted to fill up my tank. Turns out I get about 30 miles to the gallon with the new parts and cleaner old parts. That's rather exciting considering I was getting less than 20 before the work was done.
I got back here only to get a really lonely feeling again. I find it weird that I just came off of a weekend where one whole day was spent alone and the other three fully accompanied. I am only hoping a bit of friend time will help.
And the whole hating the human species will probably stick around for a few weeks. Specially if things like what happened today on my way back to campus keep happening. Some jerk ass woman didn't look and tried to merge into my car doing 70 ... only to realize right as she almost hit me and I hit my brakes, that I was there. Damn people! Right now I hate them in general.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Smokey Mountains National Park
Since last night it was pretty well determined that no one else wanted to go to the National Park with me, I went alone. I spent the whole day with absolutely NO Service anywhere. I stopped for a map and asked a ranger what he suggested I go see. He suggested Clingman's Dome because it was the highest peak in the park and the day was a beautiful clear day so I would get some nice pictures. So I headed that way.
I hiked up the half mile paved track to the top of Clingman's Dome then up the lookout deck. The trail was a nice and steep grade that I definitely am not use to. It was a nice bit of exercise. I got some great pictures. It was amazing. I haven't quite figured out why I love the mountains so much. But I always lose a part of my heart while I'm here. I would gladly move down here for a few years and just work and enjoy the beauty.
After Clingman's Dome, I headed the opposite direction of my place for an added adventure. But while going down a really steep grade I managed to ruin my brakes and had them smoking when I finally pulled off. I was afraid it was my engine and had the hood up so a Ranger stopped to ask if I needed help. I explained to him what had happened and he told me how to avoid using my brakes as much on my way down a grade like that. It came in handy later.
Since I had to clearly give my brakes a chance to cool off, I took a hike down to a small stream in the area where I had pulled off. I found some of the most interesting rocks I have ever run across in my adventures. Yes I collect them from time to time. But I walked across a fallen tree and went even further then I was probably suppose to. But it was amazing! (Jimmy you can have your pick of rocks.)
I then decided to head back toward the current place of residence only to discover I had just spent the first half of the day in North Carolina. I headed to Cade's Cove once back in Tennessee. I figured it would be fine, the driving loop is not that long. I figured I should be able to get through it and back by 8pm for dinner with everyone else. I then promptly got stuck in two 1-mile long traffic jams and a 2.5-mile long traffic jam at the end all because of stupid bears. I was pissed I didn't get out of the park until like 8:30 and wanted to be back.
On the way back to Gatlinburg, I was doing great around all the curves. The speed limit was about 35 most of the way and all curves unless marked otherwise were possible at those speeds. I caught up with a few others only to discover why I caught up. The idiot about 4 cars up wouldn't go over 25 and slowed down even more for ever curve (and by the way, this road was constant curves along a river).
We had dinner at Smokey Mountains Brewery. And the steak wasn't nearly as good as Calhoun's steak. But I got a shot glass as my souvenir.
~so ends day three~
I discovered today in these travels how rude, inconsiderate, and stupid people can be. By the time I got back, I had a hatred for the human species. And it didn't help that as I was headed down to meet up with everyone else, I had a bunch of old church people being rather rude to a "kid" headed the other way. I ended up being pushed into the street a few times just to keep walking and got hit once because I refused to move into the street because a car was coming. And you have to hate them when people just walk out in front of you even though the sign clearly shows you have the right to turn, and you've been sitting there for quite a while. Because traffic down here is hell.
I hiked up the half mile paved track to the top of Clingman's Dome then up the lookout deck. The trail was a nice and steep grade that I definitely am not use to. It was a nice bit of exercise. I got some great pictures. It was amazing. I haven't quite figured out why I love the mountains so much. But I always lose a part of my heart while I'm here. I would gladly move down here for a few years and just work and enjoy the beauty.
After Clingman's Dome, I headed the opposite direction of my place for an added adventure. But while going down a really steep grade I managed to ruin my brakes and had them smoking when I finally pulled off. I was afraid it was my engine and had the hood up so a Ranger stopped to ask if I needed help. I explained to him what had happened and he told me how to avoid using my brakes as much on my way down a grade like that. It came in handy later.
Since I had to clearly give my brakes a chance to cool off, I took a hike down to a small stream in the area where I had pulled off. I found some of the most interesting rocks I have ever run across in my adventures. Yes I collect them from time to time. But I walked across a fallen tree and went even further then I was probably suppose to. But it was amazing! (Jimmy you can have your pick of rocks.)
I then decided to head back toward the current place of residence only to discover I had just spent the first half of the day in North Carolina. I headed to Cade's Cove once back in Tennessee. I figured it would be fine, the driving loop is not that long. I figured I should be able to get through it and back by 8pm for dinner with everyone else. I then promptly got stuck in two 1-mile long traffic jams and a 2.5-mile long traffic jam at the end all because of stupid bears. I was pissed I didn't get out of the park until like 8:30 and wanted to be back.
On the way back to Gatlinburg, I was doing great around all the curves. The speed limit was about 35 most of the way and all curves unless marked otherwise were possible at those speeds. I caught up with a few others only to discover why I caught up. The idiot about 4 cars up wouldn't go over 25 and slowed down even more for ever curve (and by the way, this road was constant curves along a river).
We had dinner at Smokey Mountains Brewery. And the steak wasn't nearly as good as Calhoun's steak. But I got a shot glass as my souvenir.
~so ends day three~
I discovered today in these travels how rude, inconsiderate, and stupid people can be. By the time I got back, I had a hatred for the human species. And it didn't help that as I was headed down to meet up with everyone else, I had a bunch of old church people being rather rude to a "kid" headed the other way. I ended up being pushed into the street a few times just to keep walking and got hit once because I refused to move into the street because a car was coming. And you have to hate them when people just walk out in front of you even though the sign clearly shows you have the right to turn, and you've been sitting there for quite a while. Because traffic down here is hell.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Trip, Day two
Day Two:
Today we woke up a little late, but all the same. We walked down to Gatlinburg for breakfast, only to discover that most of the restaurants by then were crowded and we didn't want to wait all day to get breakfast. We ended up at McDonalds for Hot Cakes. Then down to a few little shops to look around and maybe find a hat. I got a new feather accent for my fedora!
We then decided we did really want to go riding. The first place we stopped had a weight limit and the little one couldn't ride at all. I found out then that we were gonna be doing things together or not at all. So we ended up at a different one outside of Pigeon Forge. I ended up on a much larger horse that was already agitated. She ran me into a tree and wouldn't listen at all to my commands. She passed another horse to my dismay in the beginning. In the end though, we figured each other out a bit and I enjoyed my ride immensely.
I took a few new roads back because no one could decide on the next adventure and traffic was hell back into Gatlinburg. And we ended up back here at the hotel. I tried to get them to understand I didn't want to waste all of my time down here just laying around not being able to get along and I really wanted to go to the park. We ended up going swimming. Later in the evening I came to realize that I came down here for different reasons than them. I don't go to a National Park to check out all the tourist trap type games, parks, and stuff like that, I go for the nature, the history, and the quiet experiences. We ended up at an Arcade and I realized I would probably be visiting the Park alone.
After a short stop or two here and there it was Put-Put Golf until 1am. Now I've packed my bookbag for a hick and will be grabbing a map and taking a day trip by myself to Cade's Cove and a few other roads for the beautiful views and the things I love most about this area, the Mountains.
Wish me luck on my adventures! I may get lost! But I have always enjoyed getting lost too.
Today we woke up a little late, but all the same. We walked down to Gatlinburg for breakfast, only to discover that most of the restaurants by then were crowded and we didn't want to wait all day to get breakfast. We ended up at McDonalds for Hot Cakes. Then down to a few little shops to look around and maybe find a hat. I got a new feather accent for my fedora!
We then decided we did really want to go riding. The first place we stopped had a weight limit and the little one couldn't ride at all. I found out then that we were gonna be doing things together or not at all. So we ended up at a different one outside of Pigeon Forge. I ended up on a much larger horse that was already agitated. She ran me into a tree and wouldn't listen at all to my commands. She passed another horse to my dismay in the beginning. In the end though, we figured each other out a bit and I enjoyed my ride immensely.
I took a few new roads back because no one could decide on the next adventure and traffic was hell back into Gatlinburg. And we ended up back here at the hotel. I tried to get them to understand I didn't want to waste all of my time down here just laying around not being able to get along and I really wanted to go to the park. We ended up going swimming. Later in the evening I came to realize that I came down here for different reasons than them. I don't go to a National Park to check out all the tourist trap type games, parks, and stuff like that, I go for the nature, the history, and the quiet experiences. We ended up at an Arcade and I realized I would probably be visiting the Park alone.
After a short stop or two here and there it was Put-Put Golf until 1am. Now I've packed my bookbag for a hick and will be grabbing a map and taking a day trip by myself to Cade's Cove and a few other roads for the beautiful views and the things I love most about this area, the Mountains.
Wish me luck on my adventures! I may get lost! But I have always enjoyed getting lost too.
Friday, May 23, 2008
We Made It
The journey to Tennessee went with little hick-up. The only real one was that I didn't expect to have to drive, but I didn't mind driving. My car was big enough for everyone but only carried 2 adults and a little one. Turns out having my injectors cleaned really good and the spark plugs and things changed really made a difference. I filled up once (when we found gas for 3.74) on the way down. Since then I've driving over 100 miles more and still have only used about a quarter of a tank.
I'm happy with the decision to drive. Christina and I enjoyed the talking and she drove for a bit too. It was rather interesting. We had great food tonight and walked down the main drag of Gatlinburg. It was pretty nifty.
I only hope the weather is amazing the rest of the weekend and I get to go horse back riding.
Ta'Ta from Tennessee
I'm happy with the decision to drive. Christina and I enjoyed the talking and she drove for a bit too. It was rather interesting. We had great food tonight and walked down the main drag of Gatlinburg. It was pretty nifty.
I only hope the weather is amazing the rest of the weekend and I get to go horse back riding.
Ta'Ta from Tennessee
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Clarence has returned to me!
Clarence has returned to me! He has come home! Things have been changed and everything sounds so much better than before!
For those of you who don't know, Clarence is my car. Named by Cameron after the transmission change. He assumed the gender had to change too.
Anyways, I got him back today. He went to the shop yesterday to have a diagnostics run to figure out what might be the cause of all the shaking, jerking, and horrible sounds in the engine. We also wanted to make sure we were getting the right things fixed this time, since the last shop didn't figure it out and made me spend money on parts I probably didn't really need. This time the verdict came down to: spark plugs, wires, and a good power cleaning of the injectors to get the gunk out.
Got the message today, that Clarence's repairs were done, and he was driving much much better. So Randy, the guy who fixed it, came and picked me up, let me drive back and asked if I was happy with the changes?! I was .... no jerking, just a smooth acceleration!
Baby yeah! Clarence drives amazing. No more fears of my car having a sudden death on my way home or back, no fears of getting stranded in some farther away place! Just some care free driving! I believe a small road trip is in order, just because I need to feel the road under my car and the knowledge he won't die on me! Not yet! One of the few dependable things in my life right now. Just needs a bit of maintenance from time to time just like everything else dependable in my life.
For those of you who don't know, Clarence is my car. Named by Cameron after the transmission change. He assumed the gender had to change too.
Anyways, I got him back today. He went to the shop yesterday to have a diagnostics run to figure out what might be the cause of all the shaking, jerking, and horrible sounds in the engine. We also wanted to make sure we were getting the right things fixed this time, since the last shop didn't figure it out and made me spend money on parts I probably didn't really need. This time the verdict came down to: spark plugs, wires, and a good power cleaning of the injectors to get the gunk out.
Got the message today, that Clarence's repairs were done, and he was driving much much better. So Randy, the guy who fixed it, came and picked me up, let me drive back and asked if I was happy with the changes?! I was .... no jerking, just a smooth acceleration!
Baby yeah! Clarence drives amazing. No more fears of my car having a sudden death on my way home or back, no fears of getting stranded in some farther away place! Just some care free driving! I believe a small road trip is in order, just because I need to feel the road under my car and the knowledge he won't die on me! Not yet! One of the few dependable things in my life right now. Just needs a bit of maintenance from time to time just like everything else dependable in my life.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Just one of the guys - always
Sometimes I wonder why I'm viewed as just one of the guys. I mean, I clearly am not a guy. I mean, I enjoy knowing that hanging out with the guys is always going to be friendly fun and nothing much more but what friends always do. And then sometimes, I think they forget I am not a guy.
I never really minded before. Just being one of the guys. I always knew I could go to my friends for anything. But as of late, I keep being reminded I am not one of guys. I am one of the girls with the guys. I don't always feel comfortable with some subjects, I don't always enjoy all the actions and games that go on.
In the past couple of years, I have enjoyed doing some girly things. I enjoy looking nice and smelling good. I enjoy being a girl. But when I look nice, no one notices. When I smell good, no one cares. When I'm with the guys, the goodness is wasted sometimes. Girls like completements. I barely hear them. Girls like to know they are important sometimes, I don't always believe I am.
Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, and then sometimes I just don't care. But its good to hear one is important and means something to someone from time to time.
Just my thoughts of late. Maybe I need more girl time ... maybe I need more time on my own ... maybe I don't know!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Home, Tennessee, Or Bust?
I guess one should never make plans too far in advance. They will just get changed, rearranged, or destroyed completely. I still am not adjusted to this, so when I decided I was going home for graduation, I just figured nothing would mess that up. How I was so wrong.
See my main friends from home, there of the ones I spend all my time with, have asked me to join them after class on Friday in Tennessee. I've never been to Gatlinburg before and it would probably be a nice weekend of just enjoying time with really good friends. I've never gone on a trip with these people but I think it would be fun.
Its just my cousin is graduating this year. She was one of the few cousins I was kinda close to in high school. I had her party and another friend's party on Saturday, the ceremony Sunday, and I probably would have stuck around for the Memorial Day parade on Monday morning. Then back to school here. The in-between times would have been spend I'm sure visiting at least 2 of the 3 going South for the weekend. That's normally where I spend my time when I have nothing else planned. My mother will be working and my friends will be in Tennessee.
If I just go with them, the question becomes: Can my little car make it that far?
Ahh!
See my main friends from home, there of the ones I spend all my time with, have asked me to join them after class on Friday in Tennessee. I've never been to Gatlinburg before and it would probably be a nice weekend of just enjoying time with really good friends. I've never gone on a trip with these people but I think it would be fun.
Its just my cousin is graduating this year. She was one of the few cousins I was kinda close to in high school. I had her party and another friend's party on Saturday, the ceremony Sunday, and I probably would have stuck around for the Memorial Day parade on Monday morning. Then back to school here. The in-between times would have been spend I'm sure visiting at least 2 of the 3 going South for the weekend. That's normally where I spend my time when I have nothing else planned. My mother will be working and my friends will be in Tennessee.
If I just go with them, the question becomes: Can my little car make it that far?
Ahh!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Just a bit ... a way to start
Figured I would give the whole blogging thing a try. I've considered it before but never saw a point. If I had something to say, I normally talked to a friend. As of late, its hard to talk to friends about everything or what's really bothering me. The people I normally talked to kinda let me know they didn't really want to hear about all the things that were really bugging me. So I have of late stopped telling them when I'm upset and instead just not talking to them when all I really need is someone who will talk to me. I keep our conversations to happy topics, but you don't always have much to say when the day has not been a good one.
As of late, I've just been dealing with the things I didn't realize I hadn't come to terms with before. I thought I had managed to deal with the pains. I discovered that I had just managed to avoid dealing with it and distracting myself from the feelings I longed to not feel. Its hard to talk to people who don't understand just how you feel or why. And I don't blame them a bit. They TRY so hard to help me, but I don't know how to allow them to help me some times.
Its hard when you feel talking to friends is not what they want. They want you to be happy, and a mask is all you can show them. I was not a fan of two faced people, but as of late getting by has been done best with a mask. And so few are willing to really pay attention to those around them. One of the features I have, is reading like an open book if only you know how. My eyes really can tell a story ... If only people are willing to pay attention.
Only a few in my life have ever decided to really pay attention and they have been the truest friends I have ever met. I wouldn't be me without them! I want them to know what they mean to me, but its so hard to tell them point blank how much I want them in my world forever. A hardy thanks is in order.
As of late, I've just been dealing with the things I didn't realize I hadn't come to terms with before. I thought I had managed to deal with the pains. I discovered that I had just managed to avoid dealing with it and distracting myself from the feelings I longed to not feel. Its hard to talk to people who don't understand just how you feel or why. And I don't blame them a bit. They TRY so hard to help me, but I don't know how to allow them to help me some times.
Its hard when you feel talking to friends is not what they want. They want you to be happy, and a mask is all you can show them. I was not a fan of two faced people, but as of late getting by has been done best with a mask. And so few are willing to really pay attention to those around them. One of the features I have, is reading like an open book if only you know how. My eyes really can tell a story ... If only people are willing to pay attention.
Only a few in my life have ever decided to really pay attention and they have been the truest friends I have ever met. I wouldn't be me without them! I want them to know what they mean to me, but its so hard to tell them point blank how much I want them in my world forever. A hardy thanks is in order.
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