the feeling that never leaves

As of late, the thought has returned: "Maybe I'm never meant to really be happy." I can't even be happy with friends as it seems. I can't make myself smile and enjoy my time with them. Instead, I still feel alone. And I know I've said it before, but like I don't belong and wouldn't be missed. Maybe I long for something I can't have. Maybe I hope for people that just don't exist. Maybe its just me.

The funny thing about it, this feeling has never went away. I have had it since, I believe, jr. high. It never really leaves completely. I think I find a place I might just belong, but eventually even that is always turned up wrong. I've often considered myself a wanderer without a home. But I know I have a home, but I want to have another home. One where I really belong.

Maybe a part of me has accepted I will never find my place in this world before I die. But I still long to find a place for me. I want to know that I made a difference or at least fit in just once in my life. And time keeps passing, and I've yet to fit in once. I'm always an outcast, an oddball, a broken piece.

What's so wrong with wanting to belong and be part of a group and not a loner anymore?! I don't like the outcast status anymore. I want to belong to someone, some place, some group of friends. But I don't think its gonna happen. And I long for me to be wrong.