Car Problems?!

The real problem with my car is the suspension. I thought it had to be the one brake. They pulled off the wheels and looked. Turns out my shocks and struts are all factory issued. They are from 1991. They haven't been changed since I've owned the car and clearly the old lady never did either. But then I didn't know I was suppose to have the back ones done every 30,000 miles. And well when I bought the car it only had 25,000 on it so that fact that I'm over 125,000 is my own fault for never changing them.

Now I know the fix the problem. Not how much, or if its worth it. If its too expensive ... new car looking here I come.

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Now playing: Darius Rucker - Don't Think I Don't Think About It
via FoxyTunes

my mind in constant motion

So today was interesting. I answered back to the text this morning. I asked 'Why?'. He was just wondering if I was going on Friday. I then just sent a simple 'You going?'. And got back a 'No don't worry about it'. When I spent today feeling good and happy and unable to worry about him being at the party on Friday. I'd actually like to see him, maybe. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow yet, but I think I could enjoy his company either way. But as it seems, because of me he won't be going.

I hate it when a guy can't be a man about things. I'm learning to be a strong woman about things. And its not like we had a horrible brake up after being together for like two years. How I feel is a little surprising still but all the same.

Mindy and I had a good long talk today. She fully agrees with me and a few other things. Turns out feeling like they guys think women can't do anything is a shared idea when you work in the lab for a while. She amazing and I'd so go to her now. She's been through a lot and could have been a huge confidant if I would have known sooner. All the same, she's amazing!

And Lorain gave me some really good advice today too. After only hearing a little bit about what's been going on, that I deserve better and should never put up with it. I shouldn't put up with being yelled (because 'he's my man not my dad'), I shouldn't deal with someone who can't trust me. And she gave me the wonderful warning that about 9 out of 10 guys more than likely after one thing when they try to date me. That 9 times out of 10 I'll hate the men I date because I won't be willing to give them some place to park their dick for a while. She made me smile and feel so much better about it all. She also told me I am a better woman than even she is since I can be friendly and nice with an ex even after its over or maybe even ends bad.

Oh, Alexis is taking me to Piqua on Tuesday after I get off so I can get a tattoo. The guy is amazing at free hand and will gladly design what ever I want right then and there. Turns out he's Justin's cousin! dude! He does good work! I've seen one!

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Now playing: Big & Rich - You Never Stop Loving Somebody
via FoxyTunes

Music takes on a life all its own sometimes!

The way I connect to music is weird. I think about the lyrics. I think about how they relate to my own life, what I've been through, where I've been, or what I want to do. I look at the lyrics, I put my own problems into them at times. Maybe its not weird. Maybe its a way I connect with the world.

Like the song "No Reins" is how I feel once I've accepted I've finally broken free from a bad boyfriend. I finally feel free, like no one can tie me down or keep me from running with the wind. And how good it feels to know when I'm laughing, I haven't really laughed in a long time.

Then I hear sad songs, and I miss them or mainly lately I've only missed on of my exes more than any of the others. I know though, I'd never really be happy if I settled for him. I know I'd never be happy with who I've even dated. But I've come to realize, he's really the one that did respect my opinions and my want to hold on to a small part of my innocence. He hated it at times, and in the end it was the reason I saw to get out completely. But you know what? I miss him. I miss his company. I miss having real conversations with him every few nights. I just miss the way he could make me feel so good about myself. In the end though, he hurt me several times. And that is why I know I can't go back, but a little part of me would like to try it again. But there is a huge part of me that wants to just take time to myself, play the single role in my little life!

How did that go from songs? Because so many songs remind me of him. So many songs remind me of what I've just dealt with in the past like two months. Yes its only been like two and half months since I met Jesse and the last guy. Its hard to believe. I hate it. I feel like I've been ripped to shreds and destroyed. I listen to the radio and there are days I just want to turn it off and not hear another word! Because its about then that a song brings tears to my eyes and the wounds re-opened as if they were just cut. I don't like it ....

Why is moving on so hard? Why do I relate to songs like I do? I shouldn't. I shouldn't actually see myself in the songs, but I do sometimes.

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Now playing: Damone - Get Up And Go (EP Version)
via FoxyTunes

USED!

So Friday was so amazing!
Saturday he said he wasn't ready for anything.
After him ignoring me pretty well since Saturday night ....
He told me to day "Alicia I just want you to leave me alone".

I have no clue what happened. I have no clue what he was thinking.

But damnit ... I feel so damn used! USED! that's it! just completely and utterly used. Like all he was after was what he got. And that was all he needed.

Fuck men! I'm done for a while. I'm just gonna go back and hope that being single is what I remember it to be.

I miss Tim just a bit too. At least he talked to me, called, and even when things were bad still was there.

A Wish, A Dream

Feeling so alone right now. So unwanted. I'm living in a wish! I'm wishing he wanted me too.

A quiet wish or dream ... How does one give up on something so easily? The hope that he'll decided he does want me as more than a friend. How does one just give up that hope when they felt so perfect with him? When it seemed to fit just so ....

I hate watching my heart break. Every time I think it might work out even for just a bit. It doesn't. Nothing ever does. Accept it and just try to move along in life.

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Now playing: Trent Tomlinson - A Good Run
via FoxyTunes

Fuck the World

I don't think I'm ever meant to be happy for longer than a day. Never ....

I think I'll constantly be getting disappointed or crushed or worse, until the day I finally die.

I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to exist where I could just be myself and know I was completely loved for it, where I didn't have to nor wanted to put a show on. Guess my wishes and dreams will never come true.

Friday night Smiles

Hmm ... I'm happy!

I had a great evening and the night went well hanging out with Cameron. So far so good!

Its done .........

Weekend .... Hmmm ....

So Ern's going away party got cancelled. Seems I won't be saying good bye to my big teddy bear before he leaves for Florida. I'll just have to fly down and see him sometime, or take a co-op down there! Then I could see him again.

Friday night, I was excited I would get to see someone special. Now since this person has to work Saturday morning, I wouldn't be worrying about it. I might see him sometime by the end of the weekend. Instead, I think I'll head out in time to meet my best friend at Stake 'n' Shake or something like that after he gets off work.

Saturday is literally a meeting on campus all day! I have to be in Swift Hall by noon. And if we are lucky, we'll be done by 6 pm, Rich Robles says. I don't actually see that happening. But all the same. I have nothing else planned and no idea what might be going on.

I need an adventure! I need a long weekend or a week for an adventure. Some place to just get away and maybe relax a bit. I just need a chance to relax.

And a few more people got let go today from work. I was not one of them. But my time may near. Its crazy how you know at any minute during any day, everything could just end! It could just be over and you are just out. :-/

Confusion .... Weekend was good!

Friday night made me wonder just what I really wanted to do about anything or everything. I still don't really know what I want to do about anything.

Saturday ... besides starting out rather boring and lonely, was pretty amazing. I so have enjoyed every time I have gone to Emily's or hung out with her. It was no different. I didn't swim ... wish I could have ... but its cool. Thank god for my best friend. He can always make me smile again (well most of the time :-P).

I left myself horribly confused and unsure after thinking of giving Jesse another chance and discovering I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. I missed him, and yet, when I was with him, I didn't know how to act. Conversation just doesn't seem to come easy to either of us anymore (if it did). But the other guy started texting like normal again during the weekend. Yet didn't seem to have a need to want to see my at all this weekend. Besides he started a new job today.

I don't know what to do. But I do plan to stay single until I'm back .... Fuck trying to figure it out over 100 miles away.

I can't wait until Next weekend! Ern's going away party :-( ... I'll miss him ... and I'm not gonna really enjoy the meeting on campus that's suppose to last at least six hours. But I'll enjoy seeing my friends again. I'll enjoy the time I get with them. And I may bug someone special to spend just a little time with me again. If that's how he even feels anymore.

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Now playing: Trent Tomlinson - Angels Like Her
via FoxyTunes

Friday night....

It was a last minute decision. But I wasn't gonna get to stay in Bowling Green. They had too many people on their lot already, and would get introuble. So rather than have to drive 2 hours early on Saturday to pay 22 or 44 dollars for a session or two of tractor pulls and then have to drive 2 hrs back. I took a last minute idea and packed my back and went to Kentucky.

He hadn't texted me in almost three days. I had no idea why, but he did reply when I told him I was gonna be in town for the weekend. He wasn't his normal bubbly happy self about it though. He just asked why I was even coming down. I said because the other plans got scrapped and I figured it would be nice to do something with friends. Well, on the way down, I asked him what had happened. He asked about what, and I said "why you've been so quiet the last few days". He said there was no reason. And I didn't hear from him again.

I did on the other hand still hold a nice conversation of texting with Jesse. Who by the way is winning me back. I don't know what changed with either of them. But right now, I don't care. I'm staying single until I'm back in school but willing to just hang out as friends with just about anyone. Only Tim won't get that privilege.

The whole drive felt so wrong. Like I shouldn't be doing it. Like the weekend was only gonna get worse. Like I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. But then I stopped to see Jimmy and everything began to feel better. Then an adventure to see Rachel. I got a book to borrow!

We'll see how it goes. If the weekend and the feeling get worse, I'll head home tonight. I just wanted to have a fun weekend! I just wanted to actually enjoy myself after all the hell I've gone through lately.



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Now playing: Carrie Underwood - Just a Dream
via FoxyTunes

Before I can worry

So how long before I have need for concern? How many days/weeks am I not allowed to be worried about him not trying to contact me, or return my texts?

Me a Bitch?! Ha

I'm just not a bitch by nature. Its not me to be a bitch. Now I can be if I need to be, I have always just chosen not to be a bitch. I am more of a caring, loving, and hopeful person. I'm not mean, I'm not nasty to people. And I don't like myself when I'm angry. I regret almost everything I do or say when I'm angry. That's why I avoid most people and talking until I'm calmed down again.

Right now, I'd love nothing more than a 4 or 5 day weekend, I could pack the car and just drive away. Turn the phone on silent for a good part of it. Just follow my wandering nature and go for an adventure. But as it is, I will never get that chance. I will be working up until the day I have to go back to Cincy.

Tired takes me .... Night.

I wish I could die

How do I let him down without hurting him too bad?

So I did it. But it hurts so bad. Maybe I still liked him, a small part of me. And then maybe its because I didn't want to hurt him. but he had a bad way of showing that he liked me that much. He showed it horrible enough, I didn't really feel bad when I got to know someone else.

He doesn't want to be just friends. He doesn't seem to think he could do that. If I hadn't met someone else who was willing to meet me half way in Dayton and actually seem to care how I feel about things, I would have already given in. I would have already said i would be there this weekend and he could have what time he wanted. Because I DO BELIEVE in second chances. And he's not Tim.

Then, maybe, I'm only second guessing this because what if this other guy is only after sex or a good time. What if he's willing to put in the effort in hopes I'll give up a part of me that is still only mine. What if that's all he's after. James insists he's a nice guy. But the same was said of the one i hurt. What if I let this one go, and it was meant to be, or I don't let him go and i lose what might have been with the other guy. I fucking hate these decisions.

But then, I have to ask, what guy would be willing to drive a 100 mile round trip for just dinner and they paid the whole bill at a rib place? What guy would put out that time or energy if he was only after something? He was willing to go slow, but that text was sent when he was drunk.

I don't know! I don't know what to do! [I do and I don't].

Why does it have to fucking hurt so bad?

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Now playing: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby Feat. Alison Krauss
via FoxyTunes

Dinner? Yeh

I had the most amazing night. No it wasn't anything spectacular. It was just good.

He met me in Dayton for dinner. I can't go to much past Dayton or I wouldn't be back in time for bed. No one has been willing to meet me in Dayton just for dinner. No guy that shows interest in dating me, anyways. But I got a "Let's get dinner" text this evening. I wasn't expecting that so I headed out in my work clothes. He didn't mind.

Things went well. We had Smokey Bones. He likes meat! And he had no problem picking on me or just allowing me to be me. It was a great night!

Now I can't quite stop smiling! Happy Happy Happy!

An Amazing end to the Chapter I've been writing

Today was the day I got to show my little Itsies. They had been stressed and a couple of them had lost a little condition in flesh and were looking a little peeked. I noticed this but there was little I could do at that point. One little girl just didn't handle the stress of the fair well. She always looked scared and barely ate at all. She also hid every chance she could.

They all came home with me today. So mom gave me the warning, I have until Spring to find at least two of them homes, or she will figure something out. I didn't mind, I love my little Itsies.

Anyways, the show went well! I did better than I ever expected to do! And I beat the people I've been trying to beat for almost 7 years. I walked away from the table both times with smiles on my face!

The meat pen class had 21 pens in it. I was shuffled around a bit, and not sure what was gonna happen. The judge put money in front of them, and with this judge, that's a good thing! In the end, my pen had one that caught them off and had them taken off. I got 7th place! I had one little girl weak in the hind quarters, that's not something that will ever fill out. So she's one that will have to leave. The other two very uniform in type and body. They weighed in at 4.3, 4.3, 4.6 good weights!

The Single Fryer class also had 21 rabbits in it. I had entered the one rabbit that had made my pen lose position on the table. I had entered the weak hind quarters girl. The judge went about looking and re-looking at them. He put them in the order he wanted and just went down the table. I got 6th place with my little girl. Far better than I ever expected!

I asked the judge to look at all three and tell me which was the best. He told me what I expected after that! But he also told me why he said what he said. So I know which one I'm keeping! Mom might let me do this again!

Anyways. It was an amazing day! And if it ends up being, Its a great end to the 16 years of raising rabbits and showing! I finally did it. I finally managed to beat the Nasemans and McCrackens. I was the happiest girl at the fair today! (In my own mind anyways.)

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Now playing: Rise Against - Prayer Of The Refugee
via FoxyTunes

shit

So, after a fairly nice weekend. I'm still confused on how to handle the situation that has come up. I wanted to see how going back to school would work with Jesse, but now I just don't know. I managed to have a different view after 15 years of raising rabbits and managed, I think, to make him mad today.

But either way, I'm taking my rabbits to the State Fair because they were all 4 lbs when I weighted them yesterday. They are just the right size. And if I do well, they will hopefully get good homes with people who don't want to kill them! That would be really really good. I won't sell them other wise.

We tattooed them tonight. Ears were numb, and they barely jumped at all. No blood and over all a great job with the tattoo. They will be all ready! I'm excited. This is my last chance to show a meat pen. My last chance to show at State Fair.

And fuck, you know what! Maybe fairs are the only things that offer anything to do at all around here. So accept that I will attend a couple more before the summer is out! Piss on you!

I'm going to bed!

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Now playing: Darius Rucker - Don't Think I Don't Think About It
via FoxyTunes