Weekend

So ... I'll leave for Cincinnati probably around 7pm ... I'm gonna go home after work ... shower, pack, then probably head out ... that will put me in the Cincinnati region around 8:45ish .... then I'll find Megan's (James) new place in Cincinnati and hopefully have a good evening. I need a good evening.

I don't know what else ... I'll be up for anything. I doubt I'll see someone else. Didn't answer my question if he was still mad at me when I asked. But he's acting almost normal.

Anyways, thought a movie might be fun. I still never made it to see Dark Knight. the new Mummy comes out, and the X-Files is a show I'll probably go see with my mom. I wouldn't mind seeing Wall E again either. It was a cute little story.

And after that, I just don't know. I just need fun time, friend time, and just general reminding time that I have people that 'love' me. :-) And don't try to tell me you don't! I know you'd be lost without me sometimes! :-p

Phone seems to be working pretty well! Getting texts in a timely manner and seem to be getting them from everyone! Trial begins .....

New Phone

New Phone, New Service! So far its going pretty well. Not much has changed. I lost my ringer, yes. I lost all my saved texts, yes. I kept the same minutes and my same service power at my house. And ... And ... I got quicker texting, I got picture and voice text in that too, I also got a nice pretty phone!

I am happy so far, but it's only been a couple of hours. I have about two weeks to change my mind. But even though I had to sign a two year contract, I don't think I will change. I like it!

:-)

So saying its my phone is no longer a possibility ....
Because the guy that switched me over said he had problems like mine with texting with Nextel, but hasn't had any problems since switching to Spring himself! So ...

Small update:

Seems I can't receive texts yet from people outside the sprint network. Working on it, if it doesn't work... I'll go back and deal with never getting some.

Sparkle

I almost forgot how beautiful the stars really are. Then I got home late tonight and looked up. The clear sky just sparkled with millions of little diamond lights. It was a second of aww, before heading inside because I have to be up at 5am.

I forgot how amazing the Milky Way was! I'm so glad I'm from the country and get to see them without too much effort. Amazing!

The main worry that I shouldn't be worrying about.

Sometimes, he reminds me of Tim. Sometimes, it really bugs me when he does what he does. He just starts ignoring me. Just acts like I'm not there. Doesn't realize I have feelings too. When he does the things that remind me of Tim, it hurts and makes me wonder how much I'll really put up with it. How much longer I'll be able to deal with it. I know I have issues, I've stated this before. But now I'd like to know what he's thinking, what he's hiding, what he is afraid of. Part of me wonders if he's afraid to get too close. Or if I've managed to actually let him see enough of me for him to realize I'm not what he's after. But if that's the case, why would he still be trying so much? Why would he still be wanting to take me to see Dark Knight and just want to hang out? I feel like he's maybe unsure and therefore without realizing it pushing me away. I just don't know what to do. Why did I have to meet him before I was going home? Why did I have to meet someone I really enjoy being with when I can't spend any time with him? Why did it have to happen this way?

Maybe I should just revert back to little hermit me, and worry about just my schooling and my friends. Maybe I should shut down having feelings and accept, it will be much later before anything great happens. Or maybe keep trying ... and hope he sees how much he's pushing me away and that he's beginning to hurt me.

What I want more than anything, is to know I have a friend that will be there no matter what. That won't abandon me. That won't throw me to the dogs. That won't be afraid to be themselves with me. I have one of those! Be so far away.

I miss my friend. I want to go down every chance I get. I want to spend time laughing and generally happy. But I can't afford gas every weekend, I can't afford to hang my head and hide from the rest of the world. I wish so much I could.

This wasn't the blog I wanted to write. But its what I'm feeling right now. And right now, I need my friend.

Some days

Some days I wonder
About in a daze
Wishing the world
Would just come unglued.

Some days I wonder
What it would be like
To travel the world
And see all the sights.

Some days I wish
I could be free
Flying so high
Completely stress free.

After yesterday .... I realized I have a problem, that I can no longer deal with on my own. It is now time to seek the help I have been avoiding for so long. I can no longer keep myself on a happy level, or from crying over something so stupid or little. I don't even know what triggers them any more, but they are more frequent. So, I have decided to seek something besides nothing in professional help. Wish me luck!

I just want to fucking snap out of it! I just want to be happy, to be stable again. I'm tired of this weird up and down and up and down all in one damn day! I'm sick of feeling so damn alone. Knowing that no matter what I try to do, I can't make it go away. I just don't know how!

I feel so fucking alone, and there is nothing I can do to take the edge off!

July 12, 2008

Saturday was a little different. Not what I'm use to. Went to bed Friday/Saturday at 3:30am. Was up again at 9am. Far less sleep than I really need. Mom made sure I got out of bed by noon to shower and prepare myself for a day of events that weren't even decided upon yet. I sat around watching TV until finally, got bored enough I asked if Mom wanted to go to the Logan Co. Fair with me.

We went, we were done walking around in about an hour. Someone asked if we had come for the races, no but I wanted to stay now. But it kept being rain delayed and another rain delay. So we went to Wal Mart after cat food. I forgot how bad I wanted cotton candy so we went back just for that and ended up watching a few of the races. It was kinda neat. I swear the one set of racers were only about 6 on tiny little 55cc bikes. but it was cute to watch. We left about 10pm.
Got invited, free of charge to me, to go see Hellboy today. I told him, that just wasn't a movie I really wanted to see. He sounded disappointed. If I see Hellboy its probably gonna be after the rental goes down to a dollar for 5 days. Until then, I think I've seen the first one, but wasn't that interested in it. I don't really remember.

Met up with JR and Brad to go Midnight bowling. I feel asleep on the way there. Bowled two games over 100. Woo! Had fun. I always forget that those two's minds are always in the gutter. And I got a few "that's what she said"s called on me. After we got back, I opted to go home and sleep, but stood and talked to the guys for a bit.

And the real Question is: WWCND? (What would Chuck Norris Do?)

And what will happen today. If Christina and JR don't call by 1pm. I think I'll drag mom out of bed and make her go raspberry picking with me.

And it started out a good day....

Well, after a weird weekend. A few drinks and a few choice words. I think things are evening out again. I'm exhausted but I'm alive. I'm emotionally unstable and uneasy. Afraid of messing up or saying something wrong. Afraid of being able to hold on to the me I am, because I'm still not completely sure who that 'me' is. I feel comfortable with who I am most of the time. Right now, not so much.

I shouldn't fear being me, I shouldn't be afraid of offending anyone. But to avoid conflict I do worry about it. I hate conflict. I hate fighting. And its that fear that makes me a bit too submissive sometimes. Why am I so unstable? Why am I afraid to be who I'm meant to be? Why is it that I cry my eyes dry? Why am I so unsure of myself? What's so wrong with me?

Tears another night

So I worried about that fact he seemed to be pissed about me waking him up (not on purpose). And well, I was so right in my assumption. He is pissed at me, just yelled at me, and told me I was being a smart ass. I told him I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, and I was sorry he was taking it that way. He told me "id hate to see u when u ARE trying to be a smart ass then". I thought he would get over it. He fucking woke me up because he didn't want me to sleep because he was awake at 6:30 am. I let it go.

I don't deserve to be yelled at for trying to make a funny and him so misunderstanding me. I believe at this point I should have honestly followed my original thought, and just not been anything more than friends with any guys this whole summer. Its just my feeling.

Entry 2 for today

So it seems, by trying to make a joke, I've managed to fuck up. I've managed to upset him and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't get it. He got off before I could explain myself, and didn't pick up when i took my cousin's advice and tried to call. Left a message. I just don't know how I keep going so wrong. I don't know how I'm suppose to get it right.

Maybe I should give up on guys ... maybe I should give up on people ... maybe I should give up on living in general. Its been a hell of a fucking week and its ending up as bad as it began it seems. Not even sure traveling south would be worth it. I'm afraid i won't be able to get it off my mind and will leave upset and disappointed.

Fuck! I'm a hopeless cause .....

MEH.

Alrighty, Alrighty .... I did freak out a bit. I knew I was, I just couldn't help but worry though. Eventually I'll learn to calm the hell down and think a bit before I react.

Things are doing better. And I'm working on it, K?!

And the word verification. I didn't know there was one on here. I'll see if I can find it. If I can't well, point it out to me Cameron.

Is it a hint I need to take?

As it seems, maybe I was being ignored. I can't decide between not trying to contact him until he contacts me or just trying a general conversation starter and hoping for the best. At that point, it'd be up the him ... to respond or not.

But I wish I knew what happened there. Why today was different than any day during the last two weeks.