Fuck It All Sometimes

So as it seems, I can't do much right. I'm always fucking up and not knowing it until later. Just how am I suppose to know before I'm getting yelled at?

I feel a bit attacked and ganged up on a lot. As of late, its getting worse. Could be the horrible lack of sleep. Could be my attitude. Could be the other person's attitude too. Could be that they want to hurt me. Either way, it hurts a little.

I've been rather happier lately. I had a great Friday night except for the whole fact that I couldn't sleep and therefore kept waking him up too. So didn't mean to, but I couldn't find a comfy spot. I think a part of it was I'm just not use to someone next to me, no matter how much I really enjoyed it. Hopefully that will change.

Either way, not sure how the weekend will end at this rate. I only hope it ends on an up note for once.

This week so far

This week has been okay so far. I've been working and staying at home.
Tim has finally stopped calling.
And I've been the happiest I've been in a while.

I tripped on a fan cord today, and as hard as I hit the asphalt, I didn't bruise a thing. It was rather embarrassing. Scared the shit out of Jeff and Tom though. Called to warn the home owner I'd be down this weekend, tonight too. She was cool with it. Been a good week, and looking forward to the weekend.

Any ideas on what we can do Saturday?

P.S. I Love You

I know most guys don't like chick flick kinda movies. But that movie was utterly amazing. I know it was just a movie, but I know out there some where, two people love each other that much. And when she loses him, she hurts in a way she thinks will never go away. But some how, she learns to live again.

I could only hope to have a love like they had when he was alive someday. I would only hope, I wouldn't have to suffer through the lose of the one that makes me whole. The one that makes me, me. I have hope that some how, maybe the Lord will grant me the chance to love someone and them me in a way that just can't be described.

And the old saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".

"P.S. I love you"

I have hope that I can be happily in love and it never end until it must.

Again

Would anyone even care,
If I just up and disappeared?

Maybe, maybe not.

Dealing with my moments of depression is hard sometimes. And its not getting any easier. To feel alone or like you fucked up is hard to deal with. I mean its not that I asked Tim to stop calling for good today, but that I may have said something I shouldn't have to someone else. That maybe just maybe I might have brought up a subject always better left un-touched. So it seems I should be prepared to be alone anyways.

And then I wonder, who would care or notice. You people move on too quick ... you people wouldn't notice the tears of pain and hurt. What brought this mood on?! Why can't I control them? I want to control my fears and depression. I want to know I can keep the happy mood I long to keep. But for some reason it slips through my fingers like water.

Poem

Songs of Life
~AAZwiebel~ 6/20/08

A song can tell a story
Or break your heart and soul
A song be a gift
That never leaves you alone

A life can be a song
A story all its own
Moving everything along
At a beat you can’t slow down

Time is a story
A tale that never ends
Moving forward and away
At the dawn of each new day

A Melody around me
Speaking to my soul
I can’t stop the beat it leads
The tale that will be told

The melody picks up
A brighter tone is heard
A new hope that life
Can be happy after all

A smile crosses my face
A sign so rarely seen
The song is a happy one
I will dance along

I hope this song never ends
This story to be told
I want it to continue
For a lifetime to unfold.

Hope

Crazy how things can work sometimes.

Its weird to just feel like you'll never be happy. Like no where out there is a guy that could make you happy again. Make you smile in a way you hadn't smiled in a long long time. Like you are never meant to be really truly happy again, if you even were to begin with.

But some how, its at that moment that you are reassure that isn't always true. I don't understand it, maybe never will. How anyone could be so easy to talk to so soon after meeting him. And I'm not afraid to be myself. I don't have to try to impress him. He just likes me for who I am.

I'm not use to it. And I'm afraid of falling and getting hurt again. But for some reason I don't see him hurting me on purpose like the last one did. He just seems different. Its a connection I haven't had before. And I'm taking it day by day. And I wonder if its going too fast, and part of me doesn't care. I just don't want to have my heart broken again.

16 June

Today went rather well. I mean I've had to avoid the Tim calling off and on. But got to see a movie. Get to know someone knew. And had a great time. Maybe there is still hope of a little happiness in this world.

Faith

I opted for a bit of poetry today. I am not the best at words and no they don't always make sense, but I write them anyways. This is my way of putting some thoughts into words. And after re-reading it, it didn't go quite the way I planned. And just to clarify before you start reading that first stanza does not refer to the ex. It refers to feelings I've been dealing with for quite a while .... and don't always know how to put into words. So it was the only wording I had that I thought might have a flow to it. You can try to read with a beat, but it doesn't quite carry one through-out. Eh .... some of my good ones are in notebooks I won't see until school next year.

A little Faith and Wondering
~AAZwiebel~ 6/16/08

Why is it: I long to be
with someone I cannot have
And always so depressed
broken and so sad

I wish I knew the answer
I wish I knew the fix
I long to just be me
The me I was before

I was told today
I am not weak but strong
How can one girl fight for so long
And never give in?

I was given hope
That it is strength I have
I’ve just been attacked so long
I’ve had no time to heal

He didn’t destroy me
Because I am still here
He tortured my spirit
And yet I held on

I long to be loved
Just once for being me
I long to be respected
And treated the way I should be

So maybe I’m different
I’m not like all of you
I never claimed to be
For I know I never will

I never saw the strength
I only saw the pain
I’ve been broken down so long
I couldn’t see that today

I was told I am amazing
I know just what I want
I know he’s not the one
But I’m afraid to end up alone

Right now I long to be
just me the way I am
Holding on to friends
I know want me around

Sometimes I question them
For fear of losing them
I’m gonna be afraid
Just reassure me then

So maybe I’m hopeless
A romantic at heart
But sometimes I just want
To reach out again

I don’t want to lose
What I know I have
But time always changes
And so can some things not so bad

I’m holding on to a heart
I Only wish was whole again
I’m building up a wall
I hope will not break down

So I know I’ll need strength
Someday I hope I’ll be
At least half the woman
I know I can be today.

the feeling that never leaves

As of late, the thought has returned: "Maybe I'm never meant to really be happy." I can't even be happy with friends as it seems. I can't make myself smile and enjoy my time with them. Instead, I still feel alone. And I know I've said it before, but like I don't belong and wouldn't be missed. Maybe I long for something I can't have. Maybe I hope for people that just don't exist. Maybe its just me.

The funny thing about it, this feeling has never went away. I have had it since, I believe, jr. high. It never really leaves completely. I think I find a place I might just belong, but eventually even that is always turned up wrong. I've often considered myself a wanderer without a home. But I know I have a home, but I want to have another home. One where I really belong.

Maybe a part of me has accepted I will never find my place in this world before I die. But I still long to find a place for me. I want to know that I made a difference or at least fit in just once in my life. And time keeps passing, and I've yet to fit in once. I'm always an outcast, an oddball, a broken piece.

What's so wrong with wanting to belong and be part of a group and not a loner anymore?! I don't like the outcast status anymore. I want to belong to someone, some place, some group of friends. But I don't think its gonna happen. And I long for me to be wrong.

I honestly don't think I've ever hurt this bad before in my life. I've never hurt so bad that I can't control my own body. But this time, I can't stop shaking. I can't stop crying. And the pain is almost unbearable. It hurts bad enough, I've had to actually fight to keep from puking. I've never felt this way before. I've never wanted more in my life than to end the pain by my own hand. I've never wanted more than it to end right now. I've never gotten that far in thought before. I scares me. And no one gives a damn at all!

I needed someone really bad last night. Just to be there, physically. Someone to just give me a hug and let me know everything would be okay. I thank all those who tried to talk to me on line but that really wasn't what I needed. And I never felt more alone and abandoned in my life.

Its hurts! I hurt ....
And I can only think of one way to make it stop.

Exam Schedule:

Monday:
Mechanics 3 12 to 2pm

Wednesday:
Basic Strengths of Materials 7 to 9:30am
Differential Equations 12 to 2pm
Thermodynamics moved to Thursday

Thursday:
Engineering Statistical Methods 12 to 2pm
Thermodynamics 1 2:30 to about 4:30pm

After the last exam, I'll be working on moving out of my little hole in the hall at Wesley. From there sticking around until Monday or Tuesday. I get a different hole in the wall next year at Wesley.

Start co-op June 23 at 7:30 am.

Saturday

Today was a weird one. I started out in a good mood but rather tired. I don't know if that was a factor in the quick but prompt mood change later in the day. I almost forgot about Alexis's graduation party until it was pretty well over when I got there. But I at least still went.

From there, I headed back to my house but I was crying. I didn't understand what had happened to the good mood, but I remember driving down a road wondering just who would even ever miss me if I just killed myself. Clearly not Tim or Christina or anyone else up here. Its not like they see me enough for it to make a difference to them. (I know my mom would lose it.) I haven't actually had thoughts of how I could just end it in a long long time, but tonight I did.

I wiped away my tears and tried to focus a bit. Realizing that coming home this weekend was a bad idea all around. Then I drove by Cory's and realized he was probably home. I haven't seen him in almost a year. So I just pulled in completely unexpected to visit. I guess its what I do best, just showing up at people's houses. Anyways ... the good catching up and talking was a great uplift. I told him TJ was home and he decided he would probably go, because, like me, he hadn't seen TJ in almost two years too.

He drove separate, which was cool, since I ended up having a few and enjoying a few new games to me with my cousin. It was great, I haven't really hung out with her since I was, I believe, a junior in high school. We got a little drunk together, and I tried to sober up completely before we left. Her guy made sure he followed me home and turns out I shouldn't have been driving. I mean, I stayed in my lines great, I drove speed limit, but my attention span and alertness were both gone! Just gone! Good thing it was only a couple of miles.

In the end, the night ended pretty well, except TJ was really upset about a few things and drinking didn't really help out at all. And when I got back, I had to try to hide from my mom that I was still a little out of it. Mainly I had to hide that I had been drinking at all. Scary!

Now I should probably go to bed. I'm tired and got about 4 hrs last night. Be back sometime early Sunday afternoon. I gotta be back, gotta study.

a little bit of everything

The quarter is almost over, I have a bit more free time. So that free time has been spent doing things on my own. Crazy how you have to realize by actually doing it.

I normally like a little company on adventures or just company hanging out doing a little bit of nothing. As it turns out, I got the chance to reconnect to the nerdy side of me that loves Science so much. I pretty well just spent one night catching up on some cool science things on tv. And that was after catching a movie at the cheap theatre. I was always a lover of movies! Turns out though, I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep during anything, because I did.

Anyways, I've stayed up late because I know in only two weeks, that will come to a screeching halt as I have to get up and be at work by 7:30am again. I've been rolling out of bed at that time to get dressed for class. This will be rather difficult, but it means bed by about 10:30 and no later than 11:30. Mainly I've been staying up for the conversation. I won't get much of that when I start work again. Timing will just not allow too much of it. But I'll do my best to keep weekends free.

Also, I think I'm falling in love with the city again. I mean, every time I think I have a clue of where I might belong or at least in what type of area, it gets juggled up a bit by the little things I love the most. I love the stars, the beautiful darkness that allows the milky way to really sparkle at night, that only country can offer. But after the adventure down town, I don't see how I could just give up the city either. I mean, its got so much to offer too.

I've always wanted to see Cincinnati from above! So little adventures to things in the city make me happy. I had a great time. And little facts make it even better. Sanks!

Teddy?

Got on a random conversation about human teddy bears tonight, how they aren't like teddy bears so much but can still be good.

Made me realize how lonely it gets some nights, laying alone and no one there just to be there. Its been a while since I've actually gotten to enjoy a human's company at night. Some one to just be a teddy bear to or have as a teddy bear. Someone that will just hold you and make you feel all safe and comfortable.

There are days and nights I wish I had someone to hold me at night. Nothing much more, just let me know I'm safe with them. I would love so much to just get to enjoy a night again, where I am just someone else's comforter or teddy bear.

Some people think you can't just have someone as a teddy bear at night. That there is nothing else going on between you. And I don't understand why those people assume so much more of a situation when you just use a friend as a teddy bear.

Tiny little Pink babies ....

My rabbit had babies! She had them today. Dad found six in her cage, she put them on the wire. But some how they lived. Well five of them anyways. I'm gonna go with, being a new mom, she probably accidentally killed the other little one. Five babies is enough to be able to pick at least three out for state fair. I'm rather excited that I may get to take a meat pen to state fair again. This rabbit is the best type I've ever had and now I have babies from her. I'm rather excited.

A week from now will tell if my hopes of State Fair will be fulfilled. If they are all still alive in a week, I shouldn't have any problems keeping them alive. So I won't start filling out the papers to go to State Fair until Finals week.

The beginning of the End ....

Another week begins ...

I have an exam tomorrow, ending the quarter of at least one exam every week since week two. I'm exhausted and easily angered or upset. I've been running on little to no sleep for about four and half weeks. And every time you'd think I should be able to catch up, I find another way to keep from catching up. And I'm cool with it all!

I had a great weekend. Got to see a few old friends I don't see or talk to much and hang out with one of the few people that make me happy just by being there. I got to catch and play with our little kitties, and hope my rabbit would have babies. It was a great weekend to go home. There was a lot more to do than normal. I felt bad Siera's party wasn't as good as she hoped. I found it kinda nice, just a bit empty.

I'm gonna be needing something to take my mind from things tomorrow or Wednesday. Just something fun, I was thinking maybe a cheap movie or just something different. Also, my car hold 3 comfortably ... but 4 otherwise ... and I wanted to go to Go Bananas on Thursday night. Its college night. Anyone game? Here's their site: http://www.gobananascomedy.com/index.php